How to Go for What You Want without Being Attached to the Outcome
World renowned stress relief expert and award-winning international bestselling author/speaker, Lauren E Miller, walks the talk. Understand how an obsession with outcomes will hold you back and how we can truly achieve empowerment as Lauren shares critical mind-shifts we need to make in order to set goals, and not be held imprisoned, by the results we get.
If you are going to take stress relief advice from anyone, take it from Lauren E Miller. Author, speaker and founder of Stress Solutions University.com, she has more than 18 years intensive extended education in the areas of anxiety relief and stress reduction. But this does not come close in terms of impact as compared to the fact that this same person was, two weeks prior to her final divorce court date, diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. The mother of three, second degree black belt, fitness trainer and inspirational speaker was losing not only her marriage but possibly, her life. This makes her deservedly, well qualified to speak with authority on stress reduction and stress relief. We caught up with Lauren in October 2014, over skype, to find out how one could really push for something without becoming attached to results.
Q : In working with people, in developing and being held to account in projects, in making decisions that affect us or the people around us, we tend to become attached to outcomes we desire. We have goals and desires, naturally. How do we set these goals and expectations and yet not become attached to the outcome?
Lauren :I have a statement I live by : “Go for everything 100 percent and be attached to nothing. ” Rather than react, we should observe, which gives us time to respond. If you have attachment, of any kind, you then have an emotional state of clinging that without a thing/person/outcome in place, we don’t feel happy/successful.
Our greatest place of empowerment lies in our ability to observe ourselves in the game.
Observe your reactions when you feel comparison, jealousy or envy – this is attachment. It is a fear that I will take away something you want or that I have something you may never get. And so, the most empowering place for achievement, is to do what we do, not because of the accolades – we should just do it and forget about it. Too often, we create and hold these achievements like precious gems and when we do so, we compromise our moral compass for the sake of the attachment. If you become attached, you render yourself to a vicious cycle and the anxiety of losing something whether it be circumstances, relationships or any attachment. Attachment is huge.
Q : So what is the solution?
Lauren : The solution lies in our ability to stay awake at the gate of our thoughts.
That is where attachment forms. Notice the anxiety because it’s the first sign of attachment. Notice when you don’t feel free to be you and when you don’t have to weigh your thoughts and words. Notice when you can just show up without the need to be seen or recognised. When you are attached, you flip to primal brain mode.
The solution lies in our ability to stay awake at the gate of our thoughts.
We need to learn how to master attachments and reactive behaviour. We need to learn the ability to manage our reactions to life so that we don’t rise and fall depending on what is happening outside of us.
What I have realised is that with attachment, you sometimes don’t know you have one until it’s gone. When things get really close to home, that is when you need to learn the art of release. You know the serenity prayer :
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”
Living a life without attachment is very different from accessing and living your talents. Truth is, that you will be able to grow in leaps and bounds, if you can do this.
I found that the brush of death is also the kiss of life. I bring authenticity to what I am saying here because I have been through the fire – I was 38 when I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer one week prior to my final divorce court date. I was given a 50 percent chance of survival. When you think that you’re about to die, everything unimportant will drop to the wayside. Things will recalibrate in your world and all of a sudden, your core values will come to the front line. Which is why attachments are so distracting to your life.
Q: Why do you believe we should not become attached to outcomes?
Lauren :We should not become attached to outcomes because when we do, we become imprisoned, vulnerable to these outcomes. You need this person to do this, you need for this event to happen. It doesn’t mean that you squelch achievement or ambition but that you take the shackles off so you can run towards what you desire. It’s an oppressive weight, one in which fear, doubt and worry go hand in hand.
Lauren E Miller
Think about it. If I spend any mind space on this, “Why are things happening this way?” or “How will this turn out?”, it won’t help. You start with the person you have decided to be today. You make that decision first and then ask yourself :
1. How does my spiritual life support this?
2. How will my thought process support this?
3. How does my emotional bandwidth support this?
4. How does my body, my self care systems, support this?
The goal here is that the more grounded you are, the less reliance you place on the outside world.
It needs to be an inside job because empowerment is inside out. Attachment is outside in.
Q: What do you understand by the term ‘stress’? What does this word really mean in today’s world?
Lauren :I am always praying for the grace to make the complex simple. Stress is simply the power we give to outside circumstance to define our worth, value and capability. Attachment always walks hand in hand with fear. Stress walks with fear. So, fear is simply the power I give to an outside circumstance to define what I believe I can handle successfully.
Q : How do you stay sane in the midst of insanity?
Lauren : Your body listens, so be careful what you think. it is the portal through which we live/see life. Attitude, in that sense, is either your closest friend or enemy. You are born with a certain disposition but it’s only about 10 percent of the pie. 40 percent lies in the circumstances you face. The remaining 50 percent is our choice in how we respond to things.
There are two things that will keep you stuck in life – a sense of entitlement and a sense of victimisation. When you are trying to master a negative character, be careful to notice how you frame things. “Nothing ever works out for me” are universal quantifying statements. Nothing, never, nobody, everyone against me. Really? Never?
So, how do you get out of this mindset? Well, if you can find one piece of information from your timeline that contradicts your impoverished perspective, then you have the ability to punch a hole through this. Blame, complaints and justification are the results of someone being stuck in feelings of entitlement and victimisation.
Belief is the first portal you need to pass through. But what people usually do is generalise, distort and delete information. A quick NLP technique you can use to break this (since your subconscious mind is making associations) is to tell yourself that the more you feel overlooked by your supervisor, or any negative attitude you want to remove, the more you are able to tune in to your work and value and remember the successes of your past. Find a way to link a negative to a positive.
Q: What are three specific things you can do to cut down on the stress in your life and effectively, change your outlook so that you interpret the events or occurences in your life in a way that reduces, not increases, your stress levels?
Lauren : Three specific things you can do :
1. Ask yourself what you can learn from the situation.
Your closest friends to an empowered life are curiosity and fascination. We tend to become stiff and judgemental as adults but look at stress as an opportunity to identify and adjust our perception.
2. Use this EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) tapping technique – it is acupuncture without the needles.
Have a look at this 10 minute video, on my site, for a stress solution. When something triggers an emotional response within us, our energy system freezes. The body experiences an energy disconnect. Often, we may go into a state of emotional paralysis. EFT simply gets the energy moving again which enables us to reconnect with ourselves, with others in spite of the anxiety or pain. This technique employs tapping.
3. Anchor/ground your body.
Locate your clavical/collarbone and move down two inches. This is where your thymus is, a specialised organ of the immune system.
You then say to yourself: “I have faith and confidence in my future. My future is secure. I am secure.” You do this for 1 – 2 minutes.
You say this because when you are stressed, you don’t feel secure. Now, for some, this may not align with their reality or truth. If so, then change the wording. Say “I am willing to have faith and confidence in my future”. “I am willing to consider the possibility that my future is secure”.
When you do this, you are stimulating your RAS (reticular activating system) which is the extrathalamic control modulatory system, a set of connected nuclei in the brains of vertebrates, responsible for regulating arousal and sleep-wake transitions.
When we do this, we open our mind up to new options and new ideas.
- Stress Solutions University
- 30 Day, 3 Min a Day Excellence & Wellness Programmes
- 5 Minutes to Stress Relief. How to Release Fear, Worry and Doubt… Instantly by Lauren E Miller
- Hearing His Whisper. A Journey through Cancer and Divorce by Lauren E Miller
- Videos on moving through anxiety, how to release jealousy and comparison, how to de-stress your life and more
Lauren E Miller is a world renowned stress relief expert, award winning international bestselling author/speaker and founder of Stress Solutions University.com who has received national recognition in Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, Family Circle, Success, CNBC, MSNBC, Lifetime and Discovery along with the International Journal of Healing and Care. With 18 years of intensive extended education in the areas of anxiety relief and stress reduction as well as youth and adult ministries, Lauren equips men and women worldwide with the skill-sets to step into personal excellence and inner peace. A certified Master Business Coach and Master NLP Practitioner, Lauren holds an Advanced Training Certificate in EFT, energy psychology modalities that lead to profound inner transformation. Her fourth bestselling book, 5 Minutes to Stress Relief, Career Press/New Page Books, is published in eight countries. Lauren is a featured content writer for HR.com and has produced nine CD/DVD products addressing specific life stressors/anxieties and how to release them. For more details, visit Lauren’s website .
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